if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
