Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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