I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
