How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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