also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
that's an acceptable place to lick
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
