it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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