Umm I'm too high to move.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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