i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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