Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
