In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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