96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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