She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
