i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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