I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
