i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
