Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
