I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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