Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
