I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
