If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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