Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
