Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
