Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
