I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
