It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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