how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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