In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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