Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
