i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
