new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
