At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
