This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
