The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm too high and old for this...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
