I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
