beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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