Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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