I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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