the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
And then he peed in my hair
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