Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
