I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize