Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
