i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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