my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
