I met the friendliest cop last night
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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