I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
