A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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