He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
