I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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