yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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