Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
