I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
