I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
