did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
