Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
