The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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