Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
