Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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