I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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