Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
