ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
