my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize