I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Who died my cat blue again?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
