I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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