Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
